One more session. One more session, that’s what I keep telling myself. There is always an underlying fear that this isn’t going to end. It’s going on 9 months now and it doesn’t seem that anything is getting better.
Chemo is a bitch. Forget the vomiting and the bleeding. Forget about the weakness and not being able to move or function properly. It’s the feeling of the Chemo in my body. I feel it. I know it’s in me. From the moment I sit in that chair and they attach the paraphernalia to me, I can feel it. I hate it. It’s cold and I feel it spreading in my veins making my body sicker than it already is. But this they tell me is what is going to make me better. I lay awake at night wondering how something that kills everything in your body is supposed to make you better.
I have tried a few treatments. From radiotherapy to stereo- tactic radiotherapy and now chemotherapy. It’s amazing that in 2010 the only real options we have to treat cancer are ones that kill everything in the process. I’m told to be aggressive with my treatment; but how much more aggressive can a person get. One more session.
I don’t know where this is all headed. I know nobody out there really knows what the future holds, but this is somehow different. Its like the imminent feeling that death is approaching.
But I hope and I pray (something I haven’t done that often). I pray that I will live to see another day. I pray that in two weeks time I get good news. I pray that I get better. And not only for myself. For my family. For my partner. For my friends. The ones who call, message, email, the ones who visit me in hospital and hold my hand as I walk down to the car. The ones who sit by me on the sofa rub my head and tell me that everything will be ok.
I’m always thinking why me? Why did I get cancer? Why do I have to go through all this? But until recently I didn’t think; Why me? Why is everyone I love and care about so attentive and always there? I may have cancer and I may die, but I feel so lucky to have the people I do around me. Even if they are an ocean or two away, I’m blessed to have them in my life…

I finally did it. I told my mother. Now I guess there are many variations on the truth and with all the pressure from close friends and family I guess it was time I told her. I didn’t tell her everything. I couldn’t. It may seem selfish not to have told her for so long but I just couldn’t look her in the eyes and inflict this pain on her. After 8 months I told her. I told her that I had just found out I had a tumour in my neck and that it was small and that it was totally treatable. She was upset, obviously. But she was strong and she handled it well. I’m not sure how she would have handled it had she known the full truth.
A part of me is really glad she knows what she does. At least she wont be surprised if I end up on life support. A prospect, which seems not unlikely. The past week or so has been quite difficult. I haven’t been to work and I really haven’t been off the sofa. (It’s not all bad. We have had such terrible weather here in Sydney that staying at home under a blanket isn’t that bad.) I went to my doctor almost every day and all he could say was that it’s just a part of the treatment. I should have been weak from day one. But I’m not letting it get to me. It’s easy to get overwhelmed. And overwhelmed I have been.
I have found a new past time, one which I adore. I remember a dear friend of mine. Whilst we were in Taiwan she used to finish her afternoon classes and go sit on her rooftop. She was in love with the sunset and that used to fill her day. I used to laugh at her thinking what was the point. Now things have changed. I get up early to watch the sunrise and I sit and watch the sunset over the hills from the rear balcony. I do it and think of her. I think of the times we spent together thinking we were fooling everyone else.
Having cancer has its perks. It opens eyes. It forgives. It lets the past stay in the past. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but I guess I got to learn from this. Learn to mellow out. Learn to love. Learn to forgive. And above all learn to be myself