The journey has all but ended. I’ve recently been quite lazy with my updates for no real apparent reason. The last time I wrote I was over the moon, having just received news that my tumour reduced in size. A great accomplishment I must admit. I have just come off another round of chemotherapy and have been feeling quite good, despite the toxins.
Cancer is a tough one. When I was first diagnosed, my doctors informed me that I needed a very strong support network. I did, and I still have one. What the doctors or other people I have met failed to inform me was that cancer can also tear a person’s world apart. Not just in the obvious way. Relationships fail, and friendships dwindle. The constant pain, the drugs and discomfort to normal life can be brutal to someone with cancer.
After a few months of constant fighting I decided to walk away from my two and half year relationship with my partner. It was one of the hardest decisions I think I’ve made to date. Leaving the one you love isn’t easy. I could have stayed, but the end result would have been the same. Many times in life we do things that aren’t the best for us. I was discussing this with a friend recently, how we continue to move forward yet not entirely for ourselves. We stay in relationships or workplaces because it is comfortable or because we don’t want to enter the unknown. It isn’t fair. Not on anyone to do so. So I left. I packed up my things and walked away. The void of a loved one is there but, peace of mind has returned. No longer am I worried about what the day will bring. I am focused on my health and getting better. It’s selfish, but it is what’s most important right now.
A relationship falling apart I can understand, but friendships dwindling aren’t so easy to accept, (as friendships don’t usually have the same strain as a relationship). As we all know friendships just like relationships require effort from both sides. Sometimes friendships fall apart when someone enters a relationship, (the so called relationship cave) but it is hard for me to understand how one can fall apart because of cancer. I will be the first to admit that I don’t really make an effort with friends anymore. It is just too hard. Between doctors’ visit and treatment there really is only one thing on a patients mind. Most people in my life understand this. They make the effort. They come and visit; they make dinner arrangements and pick me up when I am unable to drive. For these people I am eternally grateful. It is because of you that I leave the house some days. If you didn’t make all the effort I would just be lying in bed. The others however, call on the rare occasion. Make small talk and I never see them. They get angry when you don’t call. They get angry when you are unable to get out of bed. I understand cancer can be scary, but why not be scared with me?
