I finally did it. I told my mother. Now I guess there are many variations on the truth and with all the pressure from close friends and family I guess it was time I told her. I didn’t tell her everything. I couldn’t. It may seem selfish not to have told her for so long but I just couldn’t look her in the eyes and inflict this pain on her. After 8 months I told her. I told her that I had just found out I had a tumour in my neck and that it was small and that it was totally treatable. She was upset, obviously. But she was strong and she handled it well. I’m not sure how she would have handled it had she known the full truth.
A part of me is really glad she knows what she does. At least she wont be surprised if I end up on life support. A prospect, which seems not unlikely. The past week or so has been quite difficult. I haven’t been to work and I really haven’t been off the sofa. (It’s not all bad. We have had such terrible weather here in Sydney that staying at home under a blanket isn’t that bad.) I went to my doctor almost every day and all he could say was that it’s just a part of the treatment. I should have been weak from day one. But I’m not letting it get to me. It’s easy to get overwhelmed. And overwhelmed I have been.
I have found a new past time, one which I adore. I remember a dear friend of mine. Whilst we were in Taiwan she used to finish her afternoon classes and go sit on her rooftop. She was in love with the sunset and that used to fill her day. I used to laugh at her thinking what was the point. Now things have changed. I get up early to watch the sunrise and I sit and watch the sunset over the hills from the rear balcony. I do it and think of her. I think of the times we spent together thinking we were fooling everyone else.
Having cancer has its perks. It opens eyes. It forgives. It lets the past stay in the past. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but I guess I got to learn from this. Learn to mellow out. Learn to love. Learn to forgive. And above all learn to be myself