One more session. One more session, that’s what I keep telling myself. There is always an underlying fear that this isn’t going to end. It’s going on 9 months now and it doesn’t seem that anything is getting better.
Chemo is a bitch. Forget the vomiting and the bleeding. Forget about the weakness and not being able to move or function properly. It’s the feeling of the Chemo in my body. I feel it. I know it’s in me. From the moment I sit in that chair and they attach the paraphernalia to me, I can feel it. I hate it. It’s cold and I feel it spreading in my veins making my body sicker than it already is. But this they tell me is what is going to make me better. I lay awake at night wondering how something that kills everything in your body is supposed to make you better.
I have tried a few treatments. From radiotherapy to stereo- tactic radiotherapy and now chemotherapy. It’s amazing that in 2010 the only real options we have to treat cancer are ones that kill everything in the process. I’m told to be aggressive with my treatment; but how much more aggressive can a person get. One more session.
I don’t know where this is all headed. I know nobody out there really knows what the future holds, but this is somehow different. Its like the imminent feeling that death is approaching.
But I hope and I pray (something I haven’t done that often). I pray that I will live to see another day. I pray that in two weeks time I get good news. I pray that I get better. And not only for myself. For my family. For my partner. For my friends. The ones who call, message, email, the ones who visit me in hospital and hold my hand as I walk down to the car. The ones who sit by me on the sofa rub my head and tell me that everything will be ok.
I’m always thinking why me? Why did I get cancer? Why do I have to go through all this? But until recently I didn’t think; Why me? Why is everyone I love and care about so attentive and always there? I may have cancer and I may die, but I feel so lucky to have the people I do around me. Even if they are an ocean or two away, I’m blessed to have them in my life…
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Sorry, I was busy. Actually she told me two stories. One is about her father. He lived in the hospital when he got lung cancer, but hi himself didn't know the truth. Otherwise, he revoered very well. Just when he's ready to leave the hospital, someone somehow appeared to him and said with tears"Why? why you?" The truth was known to him, then suddenly his whole spirits broke down and lost all the willpower of living. Days later, he died.
ReplyDeleteThe second is about two of her freinds who got breast cancers. They found their diseases almost at the same time. One felt her life had no hope and she gave up herself(of course she still took every therapy); the other one fought against the Death with a very strong will, though the cancer still transforred to her brain. The earlier died months ago; the later fininshed a travel around taiwan island by bicycle, and now she even looks very energetic. Two different willpowers led to totally different results.
I think you may hear so many similar stories after knowing your own condition. But to me, I sincerly wish you may defeat it and get over. I hope it'll help to you coz it's all I can do now. Spirit is the master of the body, you got to control it. God's with you.