Autumn has begun to set in here in Sydney. The air is crisp and cool. The need to wear a light sweater or cardigan is there once again. It’s nice to be able to feel the change in seasons even though there is as yet no change to my condition.
During this time of me having cancer I have tried my best to keep my life as normal as possible. I go to work when I can; working minimal hours and days does help. I go for my morning walks and still manage to be the upbeat person I have always tried to be. This week however the side effects from chemo have been probably the worse yet, and being at work doesn’t help at all! My body creaks like it is in need of some WD40 and there are extra liver spots each day.
But I keep being told to have hope. Be positive, and try not to let everything get to me. For the most part I think I’ve done quite well. But I just want to run away. No no, fly away, far far away. I want to be in North Africa. Trek through Libya on the back of a horse all the way to Spain. Stop off in Morocco and for once again be just me. I don’t want to be a boyfriend, a brother, a son, a friend, a colleague, a teacher or a person with cancer. I just want to be me. I know that all these things come together to make me who I am, but I just want to be free of them. For the most part having cancer isn’t the worst thing. Its what comes with it. For days now the side effects have been getting worse and worse. Its strange that now that I’m off chemotherapy for a few weeks, that my side effects get worse. It’s as if my body had become so accustomed to them, it needs them. Like a drug. I’ve always had an addictive personality but this is beyond normal. Even for me.
I have just finished reading another amazing book. A dear friend of mine said that, with all this time on my hands, the only thing to do is to grow mentally and learn. So that’s what I have been doing. Reading and learning. Sitting in chemo or in bed and reading. I have just completed another book, which moved me to my core (it doesn’t take much these days). The underlying message was to forget the past and live now. Life is too short for anything but love, and when we live in the past we focus less on giving love in the present. It really annoyed me, as right now sure, I am supposed to be living in the moment trying to get better; but I love looking back at all the memories and people who have made my life what it is.