No change. That’s what the doctor said. There is no change. It isn’t worse but at the same time it isn’t better, He held up my scans and it was exactly the same. After an extra 3 months of chemotherapy there is no change.
The doctor wasn’t totally bummed, he was happy that it hadn’t spread and he was ready to give out another dose of chemo. There is talk of having a thing implanted into my body to give me a daily dose of chemo. But if that happens I would be bed ridden almost certainly and the chances of living a so-called normal life will go out the window. No more work, no more going to the movies or watching my sunsets. I’m told to do everything in my power to stay positive…
When I heard the news I smiled for the doctor. I went and collected my medication for the week and made an appointment to have more chemo. As soon as I left the hospital I fell apart. I cried like a baby on the side of the road. I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do next. Doctors seem to just want to inject more crap into my body and it just makes me so weak. It makes me not want to get out of bed. It makes me want to run away or crawl under a rock. Life just doesn’t seem like life anymore. My partner keeps buying and reading books to help me deal with cancer. To help me eat well to help my body fight. It’s strange, that with all these people around me I’ve never felt more alone in my life.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I recently came across this passage in a book I was reading;
That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and be who you are.
That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and be who you are.
Autumn has begun to set in here in Sydney. The air is crisp and cool. The need to wear a light sweater or cardigan is there once again. It’s nice to be able to feel the change in seasons even though there is as yet no change to my condition.
During this time of me having cancer I have tried my best to keep my life as normal as possible. I go to work when I can; working minimal hours and days does help. I go for my morning walks and still manage to be the upbeat person I have always tried to be. This week however the side effects from chemo have been probably the worse yet, and being at work doesn’t help at all! My body creaks like it is in need of some WD40 and there are extra liver spots each day.
But I keep being told to have hope. Be positive, and try not to let everything get to me. For the most part I think I’ve done quite well. But I just want to run away. No no, fly away, far far away. I want to be in North Africa. Trek through Libya on the back of a horse all the way to Spain. Stop off in Morocco and for once again be just me. I don’t want to be a boyfriend, a brother, a son, a friend, a colleague, a teacher or a person with cancer. I just want to be me. I know that all these things come together to make me who I am, but I just want to be free of them. For the most part having cancer isn’t the worst thing. Its what comes with it. For days now the side effects have been getting worse and worse. Its strange that now that I’m off chemotherapy for a few weeks, that my side effects get worse. It’s as if my body had become so accustomed to them, it needs them. Like a drug. I’ve always had an addictive personality but this is beyond normal. Even for me.
I have just finished reading another amazing book. A dear friend of mine said that, with all this time on my hands, the only thing to do is to grow mentally and learn. So that’s what I have been doing. Reading and learning. Sitting in chemo or in bed and reading. I have just completed another book, which moved me to my core (it doesn’t take much these days). The underlying message was to forget the past and live now. Life is too short for anything but love, and when we live in the past we focus less on giving love in the present. It really annoyed me, as right now sure, I am supposed to be living in the moment trying to get better; but I love looking back at all the memories and people who have made my life what it is.
During this time of me having cancer I have tried my best to keep my life as normal as possible. I go to work when I can; working minimal hours and days does help. I go for my morning walks and still manage to be the upbeat person I have always tried to be. This week however the side effects from chemo have been probably the worse yet, and being at work doesn’t help at all! My body creaks like it is in need of some WD40 and there are extra liver spots each day.
But I keep being told to have hope. Be positive, and try not to let everything get to me. For the most part I think I’ve done quite well. But I just want to run away. No no, fly away, far far away. I want to be in North Africa. Trek through Libya on the back of a horse all the way to Spain. Stop off in Morocco and for once again be just me. I don’t want to be a boyfriend, a brother, a son, a friend, a colleague, a teacher or a person with cancer. I just want to be me. I know that all these things come together to make me who I am, but I just want to be free of them. For the most part having cancer isn’t the worst thing. Its what comes with it. For days now the side effects have been getting worse and worse. Its strange that now that I’m off chemotherapy for a few weeks, that my side effects get worse. It’s as if my body had become so accustomed to them, it needs them. Like a drug. I’ve always had an addictive personality but this is beyond normal. Even for me.
I have just finished reading another amazing book. A dear friend of mine said that, with all this time on my hands, the only thing to do is to grow mentally and learn. So that’s what I have been doing. Reading and learning. Sitting in chemo or in bed and reading. I have just completed another book, which moved me to my core (it doesn’t take much these days). The underlying message was to forget the past and live now. Life is too short for anything but love, and when we live in the past we focus less on giving love in the present. It really annoyed me, as right now sure, I am supposed to be living in the moment trying to get better; but I love looking back at all the memories and people who have made my life what it is.
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