Another day has come and gone but this time with some relief. After speaking extensively with my doctor about the price of all these “new” procedures it seems that the hospital finally listened to my pleas for help. They are paying for everything and I don’t owe them a cent. How ironic. Here I am. My body as I know it eating away at itself and all I seem to worry about is the money.
Yesterday I said that I was done with doctors and that I wanted to do this on my own. Naturally. After speaking to with my best friend, I have concluded that I can’t. Or was it him telling me he won’t let me. Wow! Here I thought I was in charge of my own life. I can understand his concern. If the tables were turned I guess I wouldn’t let him seek alternative medicines. But he just doesn’t get it. Nobody seems to understand what is going on in my head. Ah my head. I’ve always been a person who was too much inside their own head. Always thinking too much. Over analysing every single word that comes out of people’s mouths.
The pain is all just a little too much today. I have always known of people who complain of bad back pain and such, but I don’t think anything could compare to this. I’m told on a regular basis that I am lucky to be walking. Lucky to be breathing on my own and of course lucky to be alive. This afternoon as I went in to see my doctor I had a thought. How is it with modern medicine being what it is they can’t operate on me? Why was it such a high-risk procedure? It always works out on TV! As I sat down in the chair by the doctor’s desk he looked at me and said what he says every time I see him. ‘I can’t believe that you’re walking. I just really can’t believe it’. It always makes me so mad and confused when he says these things to me. Did he want me to be in a wheelchair? Was he preparing me for what was to come? Am I meant to be on high alert waiting to collapse at any moment? All I could do was smile and ask for my weed. I don’t care what anyone calls it, medicinal medical marijuana. Its weed! I don’t really know if it is having any effects on me, but I guess in some ways it does relax me and help me sleep.