Log # 1

7 Months and 4 days into this ordeal. Nothing seems to be getting better. The cancer is still growing and my bank account seems to be shrinking at the same pace. I’ve heard a lot about having a support group. A family to help you through the process of dying I guess. I seem to be alienating everyone in my life. My mother is still unaware of my condition (although she does sense that something is defiantly wrong), I keep a fair distance away from my siblings as I cant look them in the eyes anymore. Two of my closest friends I keep pushing away, telling them that I am doing fine and they have nothing to be concerned about. Lastly would have to be my partner. He probably knows least of all. I can’t get myself up to telling him exactly what is going on. 7 months into it and I refuse to let him come with me to the hospital. Not for anything. Not for tests. Not for results. Not even for the treatment that is eating away at my body. I don’t know why that is. He has seen me cry and he has been here for me from the beginning, yet a part of me doesn’t want him to be here. I don’t want him to have to deal with any of this. He never signed up for this when we first stated dating 2 years ago.
There are days that go by that I refuse to look into his eyes. Days like today. He realises something is bothering me and asks…. But how am I to tell him I wish I had never met him. If that were the case then he wouldn’t be here dealing with all this.
At the moment my 3 tumours in my spine (to this day I still can’t remember the correct name of them) Up till a few days ago there was also concern for what seemed to be a tumour at the top of my neck, which might be the reason why I have been forgetting so many things. After a recent biopsy the tests came back. It was benign. A huge relief. But when I screamed at the top of my lungs in happiness all those around me where shocked as they had no idea about the tumour in the first place.
After 7 months of treatment. From Radiotherapy and chemotherapy, to a new procedure called stereotactic radiotherapy. It seems there is nothing modern science can do to cure this fucking thing in my spine! But life goes on and after quite a few months feeling completely sorry for myself I have decided that the doctors can all go fuck themselves. Through lots of research and talking with people with cancer I have concluded that I need to get this disease out myself. A total change in everything I have ever done. A change in diet. A change in personality and attitude. This is a war. And it isn’t like any other war. I’m not fighting for love or a good job. I’m fighting for my life and I can’t afford to lose this battle.